jinlingers | [ Noctium IC Inbox ]

[...a long pause, before a familiar voice breaks the silence on a held breath.]

A-Ling.

You are, of course, under no obligation to reply to this message. There is no expectation.

I just wanted to be sure you were aware that... if there is anything you need, even if it is only to ease your transition into this world, to make things more comfortable while you adjust. I am here to help you. You need only ask.

[ The response is not immediate and when it does come it is written so that Jin Ling could hide his emotional state and carefully construct his response -- which is probably an improvement on the potential temper tantrum he could have thrown at his Shushu. ]

I can't trust you to help me with anything. I'm not like my mother, I don't think you deserve a second chance.

[ Still words spoken out of anger and hurt. He's still just a child who's caretaker had betrayed him in the worst of ways and yet he still loves them beyond measure.

Not immediately after another message is sent. ]

Did you even really care about me?

[The anger is not unexpected - he knows better than most, how his nephew falls back on a temper to mask his insecurity or hurt, whenever he can. Throughout the boy's life, Jin Guangyao had been a source of comfort and gentle reassurance, and as such had not typically been the target of these harsh words...but he had been ready for them, with the acceptance that their current situation was anything but typical.

He doesn't mean to answer right away. His message had been open-ended for a reason - to give Jin Ling an opening to say as much as he needed, if he chose to, without feeling cornered. It had been Jiang Yanli's condition, if he were to contact her son first, and he had accepted.

But the second question lands heavy as he reads it, and he does not stop himself from sending another voice message. His tone is calm and assured as ever, not belying his rush to speak.]

I did. I still do. [a resolved pause] If you would see me, I could prove it to you.

[ Jin Ling doesn't wait so long this time to respond to his uncle and despite all his misgivings he doesn't just ignore it. It's hard to ignore someone you've loved all your life no matter what they've done to you. It's too tempting to think maybe... that he really could prove it. ]

Fine.

[His eyes fall closed after he reads the message, a mix of relief and trepidation thrumming in his chest. It bleeds into his voice, very slightly.]

Do you know where to find me? Or would you rather I come to you?

You can come to me.

Very well. Send me your location, A-Ling. I will leave now.

[ There's a moment of hesitation that stretches on to a few minutes before he finally sends the other the location of the small place he's been staying. ]

[He is already walking briskly towards the nearest transporter when he receives the message, and frowns at the coordinates in concern. They are unfamiliar - why is his nephew living alone, so detached from the network of family he has here?

That will need to be addressed, eventually.

Blankness settles over his face as he finally steps onto the street in front of the address, and readies himself, and breathes. This time, he types.]

I am here.

[a brief pause, then another message]

We can speak outside, or I can come in. Whatever is easiest for you.

[ Jin Ling is hesitant even once the location is sent to his uncle. He paces restlessly and wishes that Fairy were there to pet, to help him calm down. Instead, he's left with rising panic, fear and it almost feels like his throat is closing in on him. He takes slow deep breaths, eyes closed almost as if to start meditating but he doesn't, he just calms down enough that he can keep his expression under control and his breathing even.

For a moment, when he sees the message he stares at it, and then the second message. Honestly, he had made peace with the idea that he would never have a chance to talk to Jin Guangyao again... and he still doesn't know what good this will do. The wound is still so fresh. When he sleeps he can still feel the press of wire against his throat, still hear his uncle's voice in the temple.

Eventually, though, he opens the door. It really hadn't been that long. He silently waves Jin Guangyao inside, his hand gripping the door handle so hard that his fingers are nearly white. This is fine. ]

[Jin Guangyao stares, as the door opens - he can't help himself. The sight of his nephew's face, so familiar and young and conflicted, was something he hadn't thought he would ever experience again. He feels the corners of his eyes sting, and he swallows the swell of concern and affection that rises in his chest.

The feeling burns at the edges, bites at him like acid. Brings back flashes of that terrible night, when so much had gone wrong, so much had been lost. His eyes flick to Jin Ling's neck, then drop.]

Pardon the intrusion.

[He utters the polite phrase out of sheer habit as he crosses the threshold into the small space. A glance about the place leads him to file a number of questions away for later - whether he is given the opportunity to ask them himself, or must pass his worries to Jiang Yanli and her brothers, will depend entirely on the results of this conversation. Either way, he will make sure the issues are addressed - even if he must do so furtively.

There is no expectation in his posture, and he makes no move to sit or settle. He turns to face the boy - the young man, he reminds himself, knowing he will always see a child there no matter how much he grows - expression careful and soft. His tone is patient. Gentle.]

Are you familiar with synchrony, A-Ling? Have you experienced it?

[ Jin Ling doesn't know what to do with his uncle. He had always been softer than Jiang Cheng but this is different from before. But maybe it just feels different because everything had changed. He doesn't even trust that any of his behavior is genuine as much as he wishes that he could! Despite everything, he still loves Jin Guangyao but it's all tangled up in pain and betrayal and grief, in mistrust.

He keeps his arms crossed tightly across his chest once he shuts the door behind the other, facing Jin Guangyao. His focus is on keeping his face from betraying everything he's feeling from cracking. He's focusing on not panicking and not letting the fear of being so close to the other once again, to not feel his throat closing up. ]

Mm, a little.

Good.

[Jin Guangyao nods, choosing not to smother the encouraging expression that rises to accompany the movement. It feels natural to wear it...as he had throughout Jin Ling's life, when the boy would proudly present evidence of growth in his studies, or give a thoughtful answer to a question. This is difficult, and you are doing well, the look had always been meant to say.]

Then...you must be aware that the phenomenon does not allow one to hide what they are feeling. Not while it is happening.

[Though he takes a bracing breath, he does not look away as he brings his hand up, holding it out in an open invitation. He has to swallow before he can find his voice again.]

Come. You may ask me anything you wish.

[ Jin Ling easily recognizes that look, a look that he had seen about as often as Jiang Cheng had threatened to break his legs. How could some things still be the same when everything is completely different? The torment of the dichotomy of his feelings swells up, twisting in his chest.

He looks at the outstretched hand, he furrows his brow and it seems like an eternity before he says anything that all. ]

What if this just makes it worse?

[ Jin Ling is scared and he doesn't want to admit it. His hands curl into fists at his side and the instinct to scream and yell and fight press forward but he holds it back. ]

[His voice remains steady as he answers, despite the weight of his own words as they press against a deep and bitter ache inside of him.]

It might. The truth often complicates things.

[It was difficult enough to reconcile any attachments one had to someone so monstrous, without adding the uncomfortable certainty that the monster possessed a fierce ability to feel, to be hurt, to love.

Jin Guangyao had committed terrible acts in the name of desperation, ambition, and vengeance. He also cared deeply for his nephew, his sworn brother, his late wife. Both statements were true - a fact that strained the naive and noble world-view that confined morality to strict delineations of black and white.

Grown men would struggle to cope with the knowledge and what it meant for their conscience...such a fear was more than understandable, coming from a scared and grieving teenager.]

Only you can decide if the risk is worth the reward, A-Ling.

[He moves to drop his hand, expression careful, even tender.]

...and you needn't make the decision now.

[ Jin Ling's eyes follow the other's hand and he knows that Jin Guangyao is right. He also doesn't know how he's supposed to decide something like that -- but then again, he's also not sure it's even possible for it to be worse than it already is. The teenager doesn't think it could get better but he also doesn't think it could really get any worse... How could it get worse? ]

Just... talk to me first.

[ Jin Ling finally says, turning away but it's only to go and heat some water for tea. He doesn't know if he's ready to accept the ... finality... of the truth that synchronization would provide but he'll let his uncle talk to him if he would. He can't trust him but he can let him talk.

And he can make a decision later. ]

Very well.

[Jin Guangyao's voice is careful and kind as he clasps his hands behind his back, gripping his fingers hard enough to turn them white as he takes the welcome excuse to let out his own tension, somewhere hidden, safe from scrutiny.

His nephew's turned back affords a similar opportunity, and for that brief moment, he allows the manicured edges of his expression to relax - to leave behind something tired, calculating, and nervous.]

Where would you have me start, A-Ling? With the answer to your question?

[ Jin Ling waves for Jin Guangyao to sit while he prepares tea, he'd bring the tray over shortly. He thinks about the question carefully and as he finishes heating water he brings the tray with cups so they can have some tea. He settles down at the low table he's managed to get for himself. ]

You can start there.

[Jin Guangyao nods courteously, moving to kneel at the low table with a practiced grace that does not match the tumult of emotion roiling behind his mask. He subtly inspects the piece of furniture as he waits - carefully cataloging it, as he had everything else he had seen in the apartment so far. Whatever the results of this conversation may be, they will not shake his determination to improve Jin Ling's situation here - even if he is only permitted to do so through financial or physical comforts, provided through a source that cannot be traced back to him with any amount of ease.]

You asked if I had ever cared for you.

[He forces himself to look up as the young man settles across from him, to leave his gaze uncharacteristically open and earnest. A heaviness settles into the pit of his stomach at the vulnerability of it, and he prepares for the pain that always follows - no matter how sincere his professions of love, they have never been enough to prevent reactions of anger, rejection, disdain. Betrayal, disbelief, and hurt. He has already witnessed many of these reactions in his nephew's eyes.]

Yes, A-Ling. From the moment I met you, and every day since.

[ Jin Ling strangely is not at all too discontent with his living situation. There's a lot to be desired but he'd chosen this and he'd made it livable on his own. He's got a tinge of pride over it even if he wouldn't admit such. It doesn't mean he wouldn't like if it was better.

However, all that is far from his mind and he's currently focused on Jin Guangyao. The hollowness carved out that day in Guanyin Temple ached more acutely facing him once more.

And the answer hurts because Jin Ling wants so badly to believe him but he isn't sure he can. ]

You tried to kill me. To kill Fairy! You-- you killed my father! How could you do those things and care about me?

I did not--

[He cuts himself off, regretting the sharpness of the words as they snap out of his mouth in an uncharacteristic show of impulse and emotion. Though his tone had been harsh as it overlapped with the last inflections of Jin Ling's question, it had not been so due to frustration. No, the source was the familiar feeling of desperation, to explain, to be understood, by yet another loved one whose gaze had turned hurt and distant.

Jin Guangyao closes his eyes, drawing in a bracing breath. He grasps the raw feeling and presses it down, holding it firmly under the still waters of his mask until it's thrashing gives way to weakened twitches. When his eyes open, his expression is calm. Resolved.]

It was never my intention to do you harm, A-Ling. It was a bluff. One I knew would not be called by anyone present at the time. If I had taken you with me... if I had been able to leave, I would have released you as soon as it was safe to do so. I was never going to hurt you.

[He swallows, averting his gaze, his fingers digging into the fabric of his robes under the table as the tea sits untouched in front of them. It seems...inappropriate to move to take the cup, just yet.]

Fairy...I know how much she means to you, and so I took no pleasure in giving the order. But I had no choice. It was her life, or mine.

[The phrase is like salt and citrus, stinging and sour. He presses on.]

Your father... there are many reasons, many ways in which his death felt a... worthwhile sacrifice. Most notably, his importance to your grandfather. [The bitterness in his voice shifts as the sound of it grows quieter, softer.]

But you must believe me when I say that I never meant to leave you an orphan. I hoped that you would at least have your mother. Her death was...unexpected. Unfortunate.

[ Jin Ling's jaw tightens when the other starts to deny but at least the other man had cut himself off. Still, Jin Ling at least continues to listen despite it bothering him. He looks down, away from the other. Is anything Jin Guangyao about to say something he can trust, believe in? Is he going to excuse his behavior somehow?

He doesn't interrupt him, though there's a scoff at him saying it had been a bluff. That, Jin Ling doesn't believe, he doesn't believe that Jin Guangyao would have stopped if it meant gaining himself an advantage. He could still feel that tightening on his throat sometimes, it's one of the most common nightmares that leave him waking gasps for air. The answer for Fairy is no better to Jin Ling. Jin Guangyao was selfish and didn't want to take responsibility for what he'd done, not then... not now? ]

How can you speak of murdering someone like you would talk about a matter of politics or...or...

[ Jin Ling can't think of how to describe it. ]

Was it that or ... were you just jealous of him? Jealous of him and punishing him for something he had no control of, just as you had no control over who you were born as. All of this.. you... talk like you don't regret it, that it wasn't wrong. Like you had to do it! You didn't have to murder anyone! You chose all of it. You chose to be the monster that destroyed my family...me.

[Jin Guangyao huffs slightly, the sound too small and too sour to be called a laugh.]

I speak of it as such because that is all it was, in some cases. Politics. Strategy. Unlike those born with privilege or innate talents, all I could rely on for survival was my mind and the tools available to it. Righteousness is a luxury, A-Ling, and not one I could afford often.

[With a bracing breath, barely a sigh, he stops himself again - slowly, any bitter tautness is smoothed from his expression, leaving only a calm and palatable mask. It was easy to forget himself when speaking to someone he cared for about these things so dark and terrible, things that had festered inside him for so long. The desperation to explain, the hope that there was something left to love in who he truly was...made him act foolish.

His eyes flutter open as he reminds himself of the reason for their conversation. It was not to make his nephew understand him - the likelihood of that was slim, in any case. No, the purpose of this exchange was to speak the truth, and to allow Jin Ling to test that truth, however he chose to.]

Regarding your father...as I said, there were many reasons. Jealousy was certainly one of them. Jin Zixuan was born with every privilege, every advantage that I coveted, and appreciated none of it. I would have done anything to attain a mere fraction of what he took for granted each day.

[ He finally reached for the tea, if only to give himself something to do with his hands, somewhere to channel his focus away from the ugly, broken laughter he had locked up in his chest.]

And I did. Do anything, that is.

I do regret believing that there was anything I could accomplish to earn Jin Guangshan's acknowledgement. Had I known it was impossible, I would not have bloodied my hands for him, and then for myself as I played his game to protect my own life. I may have never left the Nie clan, and though that would have meant I never rose to any rank of worth, few would see that as a waste.

Of course...[His lips twitch, as he allows himself this much.] Had I not been so desperate to earn my father's favor, I would never had ended up in the Nightless City, and the Sunshot Campaign may have ended quiet differently.

The delineation between right and wrong is not so clear, A-Ling. I am the monster who destroyed the family you could have had - some by design, and some by accident. I also care for you, and am the family you did have. Both of these statements are true.

[ You're wrong! Jin Ling wants to shout but he bites the inside of his cheek harshly. He doesn't interrupt, feeling more deflated and yet more hurt and angry with each passing moment. ]

You lie to yourself as much as you lie to other's. You built everything on corruption and lies and the blood of innocents because you were greedy, jealous. That's what made and makes you small, that's what makes everything a waste.

You didn't just destroy my family! You destroyed my uncle's. Who knows what countless other casualties are under your ledger, shushu?

Who knows what might have happened in that war without your meddling? You could have... You could have done something just because it was right. But you didn't! You did it for yourself and you want me to see it as some good deed that balances things out?

Family shouldn't be built on a lie... on betrayal. You should know that!

I...

[ Jin Ling's hands ball into fists. What is the point? He hates this. He hates how Jin Guangyao seems to try and justify his actions, to defend them and act like he had a right to be who he is. ]

Nothing erases or balances the wrongs you've done. It... It feels like you try to justify yourself with shreds of almost decency. I don't... know how to accept that a persona like you could care without some motive. That's not family.

[ Jin Ling is diong his best to stay steady to not break apart completely in front of him. What was the point of this again? It's gotten lost. ]

No one made you what you are but you. I can't trust you because of all this...

[ But he loves him so much, he feels torn in two. How is he supposed to move forward with Jin Guangyao? ]

You... grandfather.... you were both such wicked men. How... what kind legacy have you left me? You should have died. Not my father.

[ Jin Ling finally stops because his voice is too thick, his eyes burn too hot. ]

What am I supposed to do? How do I pick up all the broken pieces? How do I forgive you, love you and not end up becoming you?

[Jin Guangyao sets the tea cup down as his nephew speaks, placing his hands back in his lap where they can grip soft cloth rather than the fragile porcelain. He knows his knuckles are white, where they are hidden, even as his face flickers between defeat and the blankness he forces onto it when he shoves his feelings deep and down.

His jaw is tight as he holds in the responses, the explanations that will be wasted, the appeals that will be ignored. Even more difficult to hold back is his desire to comfort Jin Ling, to touch him and steady him in a way familiar to them both as emotion clogs the young man's voice and tears threaten to spill.

But nothing he can offer would be welcome - so he simply listens, until there only silence and the stretching of Jin Ling's final question hanging between them. When he speaks, he keeps his gaze low, his voice quiet and clear.]

...I am sure many would agree with what you say. In fact, I cannot think of anyone from our world that would argue against it. But...I must maintain that such a perspicuous viewpoint is at odds with the true way of the world. Trying to force things to fit into such unforgiveable logic will only cause you more pain.

[A soft sigh as he glances up, into the hurt and anger in the boy's eyes. Sharp and unyielding as a blade at his throat, though the hand that holds it there is obviously trembling.]

It is simply a fact that good people can do wicked things, and wicked people can do good things. A genuine act of compassion can serve a secondary purpose, as can an action deemed as cruel or evil. As a Sect Leader, you will find it easier to live with your decisions if you consider each instance independently before passing your judgement.

...if you've done so, and judge me to be evil...[His voice cracks very slightly, as if fighting to become a whisper.] So be it. You will not be the first person I have loved to do so, and I doubt you will be the last.

[Jin Guangyao closes his eyes again, stretching a moment of quiet as he swallows down his fear and pain and bitterness before it can press its way past his calm veneer once more. He feels both hollow and overly full.]

To love a wicked person does not make you wicked, A-Ling. Who you care for, and the value they assign to that affection, is not something logic or conscience can control. Life would be much easier, if it were.

You need not forgive me, or understand me, if it feels impossible to do so. But I will always be here to help you...and so will Sect Leader Jiang, Wei Wuxian, and countless others, once you return to a world where I no longer exist.

[A sudden intensity overtakes his voice, his words deliberate and punched out as he opens his eyes.]

You are too loved to ever become me. Your jiujiu and I... worked your entire life to make sure of that.

Jin-zongzhu.

[ It feels strange to call him that - not only because Lan Xichen had watched him grow up, the nephew of a beloved sworn brother, but it is not a term that Lan Xichen has used much in direct address for quite some time.

Jin Guangyao, after all, had been Jin-zongzhu or Lianfang-Zun whenever they were among others, but in private conversation he was almost always A-Yao.

Still, Jin Rulan is the Jin Sect Leader, and until given permission otherwise, Lan Xichen will call him as such. ]

If you have the time, I would very much like to take tea with you.

[ It is... very weird to be called such by Lan Xichen. Jin Ling doesn't find it comfortable even if he does perhaps appreciate the respect it shows. His thoughts on Lan Xichen are complicated but not as much as it might be with his Shushu or what other's might be conflicted on. ]

You don't have to call me that, Zewu Jun.

[ It just doesn't feel right, especially in private. ]

I have time.

Then perhaps you could call me Lan Xichen.

[ An invitation to a step in familiarity that Lan Xichen is not certain Jin Rulan wants to take, at the moment, circumstances being what they are, but he cannot help but want to extend it anyway.

Particularly with what he wants to talk about. ]

There is no one else here right now - would you like to come over, or shall I meet you somewhere?

[ Now that's... weird. He's still very much his elder! Jin Ling's hesitant, unsure of how to respond. ]

I could come over.

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i'm so sorry this month swallowed me whole.

I totally get it, no worries <3

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