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[duplicitous_dimples]

[Jin Guangyao nods courteously, moving to kneel at the low table with a practiced grace that does not match the tumult of emotion roiling behind his mask. He subtly inspects the piece of furniture as he waits - carefully cataloging it, as he had everything else he had seen in the apartment so far. Whatever the results of this conversation may be, they will not shake his determination to improve Jin Ling's situation here - even if he is only permitted to do so through financial or physical comforts, provided through a source that cannot be traced back to him with any amount of ease.]

You asked if I had ever cared for you.

[He forces himself to look up as the young man settles across from him, to leave his gaze uncharacteristically open and earnest. A heaviness settles into the pit of his stomach at the vulnerability of it, and he prepares for the pain that always follows - no matter how sincere his professions of love, they have never been enough to prevent reactions of anger, rejection, disdain. Betrayal, disbelief, and hurt. He has already witnessed many of these reactions in his nephew's eyes.]

Yes, A-Ling. From the moment I met you, and every day since.

[jinlingers]

[ Jin Ling strangely is not at all too discontent with his living situation. There's a lot to be desired but he'd chosen this and he'd made it livable on his own. He's got a tinge of pride over it even if he wouldn't admit such. It doesn't mean he wouldn't like if it was better.

However, all that is far from his mind and he's currently focused on Jin Guangyao. The hollowness carved out that day in Guanyin Temple ached more acutely facing him once more.

And the answer hurts because Jin Ling wants so badly to believe him but he isn't sure he can. ]

You tried to kill me. To kill Fairy! You-- you killed my father! How could you do those things and care about me?

[duplicitous_dimples]

I did not--

[He cuts himself off, regretting the sharpness of the words as they snap out of his mouth in an uncharacteristic show of impulse and emotion. Though his tone had been harsh as it overlapped with the last inflections of Jin Ling's question, it had not been so due to frustration. No, the source was the familiar feeling of desperation, to explain, to be understood, by yet another loved one whose gaze had turned hurt and distant.

Jin Guangyao closes his eyes, drawing in a bracing breath. He grasps the raw feeling and presses it down, holding it firmly under the still waters of his mask until it's thrashing gives way to weakened twitches. When his eyes open, his expression is calm. Resolved.]

It was never my intention to do you harm, A-Ling. It was a bluff. One I knew would not be called by anyone present at the time. If I had taken you with me... if I had been able to leave, I would have released you as soon as it was safe to do so. I was never going to hurt you.

[He swallows, averting his gaze, his fingers digging into the fabric of his robes under the table as the tea sits untouched in front of them. It seems...inappropriate to move to take the cup, just yet.]

Fairy...I know how much she means to you, and so I took no pleasure in giving the order. But I had no choice. It was her life, or mine.

[The phrase is like salt and citrus, stinging and sour. He presses on.]

Your father... there are many reasons, many ways in which his death felt a... worthwhile sacrifice. Most notably, his importance to your grandfather. [The bitterness in his voice shifts as the sound of it grows quieter, softer.]

But you must believe me when I say that I never meant to leave you an orphan. I hoped that you would at least have your mother. Her death was...unexpected. Unfortunate.

[jinlingers]

[ Jin Ling's jaw tightens when the other starts to deny but at least the other man had cut himself off. Still, Jin Ling at least continues to listen despite it bothering him. He looks down, away from the other. Is anything Jin Guangyao about to say something he can trust, believe in? Is he going to excuse his behavior somehow?

He doesn't interrupt him, though there's a scoff at him saying it had been a bluff. That, Jin Ling doesn't believe, he doesn't believe that Jin Guangyao would have stopped if it meant gaining himself an advantage. He could still feel that tightening on his throat sometimes, it's one of the most common nightmares that leave him waking gasps for air. The answer for Fairy is no better to Jin Ling. Jin Guangyao was selfish and didn't want to take responsibility for what he'd done, not then... not now? ]

How can you speak of murdering someone like you would talk about a matter of politics or...or...

[ Jin Ling can't think of how to describe it. ]

Was it that or ... were you just jealous of him? Jealous of him and punishing him for something he had no control of, just as you had no control over who you were born as. All of this.. you... talk like you don't regret it, that it wasn't wrong. Like you had to do it! You didn't have to murder anyone! You chose all of it. You chose to be the monster that destroyed my family...me.

[duplicitous_dimples]

[Jin Guangyao huffs slightly, the sound too small and too sour to be called a laugh.]

I speak of it as such because that is all it was, in some cases. Politics. Strategy. Unlike those born with privilege or innate talents, all I could rely on for survival was my mind and the tools available to it. Righteousness is a luxury, A-Ling, and not one I could afford often.

[With a bracing breath, barely a sigh, he stops himself again - slowly, any bitter tautness is smoothed from his expression, leaving only a calm and palatable mask. It was easy to forget himself when speaking to someone he cared for about these things so dark and terrible, things that had festered inside him for so long. The desperation to explain, the hope that there was something left to love in who he truly was...made him act foolish.

His eyes flutter open as he reminds himself of the reason for their conversation. It was not to make his nephew understand him - the likelihood of that was slim, in any case. No, the purpose of this exchange was to speak the truth, and to allow Jin Ling to test that truth, however he chose to.]

Regarding your father...as I said, there were many reasons. Jealousy was certainly one of them. Jin Zixuan was born with every privilege, every advantage that I coveted, and appreciated none of it. I would have done anything to attain a mere fraction of what he took for granted each day.

[ He finally reached for the tea, if only to give himself something to do with his hands, somewhere to channel his focus away from the ugly, broken laughter he had locked up in his chest.]

And I did. Do anything, that is.

I do regret believing that there was anything I could accomplish to earn Jin Guangshan's acknowledgement. Had I known it was impossible, I would not have bloodied my hands for him, and then for myself as I played his game to protect my own life. I may have never left the Nie clan, and though that would have meant I never rose to any rank of worth, few would see that as a waste.

Of course...[His lips twitch, as he allows himself this much.] Had I not been so desperate to earn my father's favor, I would never had ended up in the Nightless City, and the Sunshot Campaign may have ended quiet differently.

The delineation between right and wrong is not so clear, A-Ling. I am the monster who destroyed the family you could have had - some by design, and some by accident. I also care for you, and am the family you did have. Both of these statements are true.

[jinlingers]

[ You're wrong! Jin Ling wants to shout but he bites the inside of his cheek harshly. He doesn't interrupt, feeling more deflated and yet more hurt and angry with each passing moment. ]

You lie to yourself as much as you lie to other's. You built everything on corruption and lies and the blood of innocents because you were greedy, jealous. That's what made and makes you small, that's what makes everything a waste.

You didn't just destroy my family! You destroyed my uncle's. Who knows what countless other casualties are under your ledger, shushu?

Who knows what might have happened in that war without your meddling? You could have... You could have done something just because it was right. But you didn't! You did it for yourself and you want me to see it as some good deed that balances things out?

Family shouldn't be built on a lie... on betrayal. You should know that!

I...

[ Jin Ling's hands ball into fists. What is the point? He hates this. He hates how Jin Guangyao seems to try and justify his actions, to defend them and act like he had a right to be who he is. ]

Nothing erases or balances the wrongs you've done. It... It feels like you try to justify yourself with shreds of almost decency. I don't... know how to accept that a persona like you could care without some motive. That's not family.

[ Jin Ling is diong his best to stay steady to not break apart completely in front of him. What was the point of this again? It's gotten lost. ]

No one made you what you are but you. I can't trust you because of all this...

[ But he loves him so much, he feels torn in two. How is he supposed to move forward with Jin Guangyao? ]

You... grandfather.... you were both such wicked men. How... what kind legacy have you left me? You should have died. Not my father.

[ Jin Ling finally stops because his voice is too thick, his eyes burn too hot. ]

What am I supposed to do? How do I pick up all the broken pieces? How do I forgive you, love you and not end up becoming you?

[duplicitous_dimples]

[Jin Guangyao sets the tea cup down as his nephew speaks, placing his hands back in his lap where they can grip soft cloth rather than the fragile porcelain. He knows his knuckles are white, where they are hidden, even as his face flickers between defeat and the blankness he forces onto it when he shoves his feelings deep and down.

His jaw is tight as he holds in the responses, the explanations that will be wasted, the appeals that will be ignored. Even more difficult to hold back is his desire to comfort Jin Ling, to touch him and steady him in a way familiar to them both as emotion clogs the young man's voice and tears threaten to spill.

But nothing he can offer would be welcome - so he simply listens, until there only silence and the stretching of Jin Ling's final question hanging between them. When he speaks, he keeps his gaze low, his voice quiet and clear.]

...I am sure many would agree with what you say. In fact, I cannot think of anyone from our world that would argue against it. But...I must maintain that such a perspicuous viewpoint is at odds with the true way of the world. Trying to force things to fit into such unforgiveable logic will only cause you more pain.

[A soft sigh as he glances up, into the hurt and anger in the boy's eyes. Sharp and unyielding as a blade at his throat, though the hand that holds it there is obviously trembling.]

It is simply a fact that good people can do wicked things, and wicked people can do good things. A genuine act of compassion can serve a secondary purpose, as can an action deemed as cruel or evil. As a Sect Leader, you will find it easier to live with your decisions if you consider each instance independently before passing your judgement.

...if you've done so, and judge me to be evil...[His voice cracks very slightly, as if fighting to become a whisper.] So be it. You will not be the first person I have loved to do so, and I doubt you will be the last.

[Jin Guangyao closes his eyes again, stretching a moment of quiet as he swallows down his fear and pain and bitterness before it can press its way past his calm veneer once more. He feels both hollow and overly full.]

To love a wicked person does not make you wicked, A-Ling. Who you care for, and the value they assign to that affection, is not something logic or conscience can control. Life would be much easier, if it were.

You need not forgive me, or understand me, if it feels impossible to do so. But I will always be here to help you...and so will Sect Leader Jiang, Wei Wuxian, and countless others, once you return to a world where I no longer exist.

[A sudden intensity overtakes his voice, his words deliberate and punched out as he opens his eyes.]

You are too loved to ever become me. Your jiujiu and I... worked your entire life to make sure of that.